i like to be a part of people's lives

i want to send postcards to everyone i know! morganmorgan morgan, it will be like my truth project. i should do that. i always want to be able to articulate things. i don't like it when people say that it's part of life, having to restrict certain thoughts and having good judgement and not necessarily telling people everything for their own good, and your own. i can't help but think that that's the fear talking.
i like successful people. emotionally successful, socially successful, professionally, philosophically, artistically, etc. etc. apathy makes me angry.
THE LAST TRAIN TO FREO WAS AN INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE FILM.
'he loved me, and he needed me. like you do now. like you all do.'
there's just so much fucking POTENTIAL. that's all. that's all. i wish i could see it in everyone as opposed to a select few people.
...this is incoherent. if i wanted to write coherently, i'd use a pen.

(ps- you're acting dumb, that's what i've come to expect.)

fever

'Although doctors are aware of the beneficial effects of certain symptoms, such as coughing induced by pneumonia, many symptoms are regarded as harmful and are routinely treated - sometimes to the detriment of the patient. Fever is the best example. Long suspected as having adaptive value, fever has only recently been revealed as a beneficial response to infection. The response is triggered by bacterial toxins, and the resulting increase in body temperature is hostile to the invading microorganisms. Reduce the fever - using aspirin, for instance - and the disease may last longer, as Timothy Doran of Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, has recently demonstrated in the case of chickenpox. '

you should never worry. even under all the angry, it's still mostly love.
i'm just fucking dumb like that.

Clarity

'i want your clarity to be my clarity.'
today Truth is an art form for me.
i want to read studies and interpretations of truth. i want to expose truth in all it's forms. i want to establish that a truth does not come out of nowhere, it used to be a lie or a secret or an opinion or a theory. i want it to be clear that truth is more apparent when contrasted with things that are not necessarily true. i want to extract the black and white from the million grays.
i'm sorry i rambled on so much in your yearbook. you're probably kind of freaked out. i just had alot in my head, and it happened to be written out on paper directed at you. i recognize that you aren't really the poetic type.

oh, threadless

this reminds me of carson
and his pro haiku/limerick-writing skillz
too bad he can't really do much else...

Sunday

I'VE BLOGGED THREE TIMES TODAY
and none of it is coherent or relevant and all of it is this string of hormonal bullshit that is not real writing.
i haven't done any homework. i'm worried i may do dumb things if properly tempted. i can't focus on anything, and i should go to bed.
...it would be cool if people actually replied to entries so i had some vague idea of who the hell even reads this.
http://www.marketplacephotography.com/children_fine_art_photography.htm

POOR CHOICES.

i cannot justify anything right now. i don't want to have to.
i am hormonal and frustrated and caught off guard and my nerves are shot.
there is not a good reason for this.

what!

i don't understand!
i want to talk to you, but i have nothing to say to you!

king of cups

today was sweet, like, making a list of stuff i did sweet. and normally i hate that because it's not real writing, it's regurgitating events. but i don't care, i'm going to projectile vomit into my blog about what i did today. it was just so relaxing and chill but completely what i needed. i had tons of time to seriously consider how i'm feeling about the whole no-band thing, and how post party went and really recognizing how i want to approach everyone i'm not in band with anymore, because i'm seriously going to miss them SO MUCH. it seems really weird that i didn't notice this before. and i didn't cry, and that is because i'm not sad about making this transition and i'm still going to have ties with the band. i'm tired of trying to deny it's effect on me and it's importance to me. or maybe the awards ceremony is just getting to me... it somehow reminds me every year about really great stuff that goes on that i tend to take for granted.

i read the paper. i read the yearbook. i went to morgan's house and read tarot cards with her and kees. we had enlightening conversations filled with distributions of honesty. i articulated my desire for samples of unadulterated honesty. i articulated my worry about adam. i articulated certain things about morgan to morgan. i like being articulate. and i also like the word poignant.

i drew the king of cups TWICE and was generally disturbed by it's accuracy.

"The King of Cups represents an individual who has repressed his emotions and dreams to be able to succeed in a world that appreciates material achievements. This individual has conflicting emotions regarding intimate relationships. On one hand there is a desire for closeness and commitment; on the other hand there is a fear of being contained and limited by these emotions. Confrontation is necessary to face fears and accept the growth that comes with emotional challenges.
We see the King of Cups as an ingenious man, a light on his head representing his burning ambition and drive. He stares off into space completely detached from anything but his feelings. According to scientists bumblebees are too big to fly on their light wings and yet they do; so in that manner the bees flying through the air represent dreaming the impossible dream. A house stands behind him representing his worldly accomplishments.
As a card of actions it might question motives and actions, ask that you face your fears of emotional commitment and re-examine your relationships from another perspective."

i went longboarding. i bought sunflowers. i called the globe and have a tentative awesome, awesome job. i feel pretty. i feel like i own my own uncertainty. i don't feel like justifying anything i feel ever again. i just feel really human for a change, like the way i react to things actually makes sense for once.

this is the day your life will surely change

this is the day when things fall into place.

i'm not worried anymore, because i know that when i worry about my effect on other people i worry about my own motives. i want to be responsible for every time i make someone unhappy- of course i want to be responsible for every time i make someone happy, as well, but mostly i want to know inside me the various reasons i do or do not do things, and the consequences that they have. and when i misjudge i want to feel guilty so that i never make that mistake again.

success is like a handsome coat that transforms you.

right now i'm not really sure what my motives are.

romanticize-- it makes things easier.

TODAY
i actually spent time with jason. it was... different, though not necessarily unpleasant. i'm just hoping he's got the impression that i'm no longer easily angered by him, and that he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
but to be fair, the fear was initially totally justified.
i like being busy. i like not having to justify my hermit-like tendancies, it's just that i'm always busy. i like late afternoon sunshine on yellow leaves with sodt blue-grey clouds and lightning in the distance.
i really dislike living cliches. I feel like i spend a great part of my time trying to avoid being a cliche. and i think i probably miss out on alot because of that.
i don't like letting people read my notebook. it feels very unsafe. i don't like feeling uncomfortable around you every day... or is it that i feel too comfortable?
this summer:
"I am never a better person than i am with my unknowing extended family. My potential with them is honestly undefined. I could be an astronaut. I could win a Nobel prize. I could be Ghandi. I could be the first female fucking president of the USA. Though I think they'd be satisfied with me graduating from University."

sensagoria

you know what's a poor choice?
having to devote specific times to personal growth because most of the time I'M JUST TOO BUSY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

i feel like i miss so many things. i like you, but i don't want you. i want you, but i don't need you. need you, but i don't like you.

i discovered this today.

http://asthmatickitty.com/main.php

mika

i don't actually like mika. in fact, i really dislike mika. he's really piercing and poppy and irritating. but so CATCHY. i also insist on liking him because he now reminds me of elena. and elena completes a little bit of my heart. someday, when we are aged, we'll have lunch dates and exchange stories about our children. or something. that seems really really obscenely far away.... more like, on friday, we will hand out the yearbooks we spent like, 70 hours on and then sign them bitterly. or i will. i am so close to being done. it's been building up so long that i'm really not sure how i'm going to justify my existence after i don't have anything to fling myself senselessly into after this friday. how, precisely, does one go about saying goodbye to a roomful of acquiantances? there's only about a handful of people i really consider friends, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to miss these random people with whom i've been toiling these past couple years.

yesterday morning i woke up with the precise feeling inside me of how it feels to be left hanging. i could describe it with a million cliches, but really what it is is that this time last year that was how i felt every single day, so i kind of got used to it. but having it come back to haunt me was completely unnecessary. i almost just didn't get out of bed. it was this weird combination of emptiness and bitterness and humiliation and really pathetic hope. 'it feels as if i'm wasted, wasted everyday.' i never want to have to recall that particular feeling ever again.

having your heart broken is like learning to carry around a pile of bricks. it's awful at first, but then you get used to it and get stronger so it's almost like it's not there. and then something happens to remind you about the bricks you've been carrying around, and you panic and drop one on your foot.

that was a bad analogy. but it's still better than the ones erik sartison uses.

sometimes i feel so big. sometimes i feel so small. people are not bibles- you can't spend your whole life referring back to how they say you should live.

SURPRISE

OH MY GOD
i just spent 10 hours at elena's house doing yearbook, which was in all ways very very awful and i don't think it could have been in any way more enjoyable. except for talking to elena's mom who is SOSO nice and who fed me and made me wear slippers and drink tea :).
anyways- the point:
i got home from my ten hours of yearbook and i haven't eaten dinner though it's 8:30 and jessie tells me billy's mad that i took his longboard, and i'm going into my kitchen to get some food and my mom tells me i have to meet someone.
this someone is named clement. he is jamie's friend's homestay in grade 11 at Queen E. he knows Rocky's friend Alex who is also a homestay going to Queen E. he is German. he is INCREDIBLEY ATTRACTIVE. and right now, he is sitting on my couch watching school of rock.
MY DAY JUST GOT 10 BILLION TIMES BETTER!!!
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM!!!
IT'S THE IDEA OF IT THAT IS JUST SO AWESOME
and kind of comical
but still... just... wow. you can't make this stuff up.

team awesome!

i went to art and started to grasp watercolours!
i went to english and started something i actually like!
i read through my summer journal and found a bunch of stuff that i really like!
i understood math!
i listened to the jesus and mary chain!
i talked to arielle!
i spent time with morgan!
i made a kick-ass pamphlet!
i made cookies!
i'm going to garfunkel!
i have not even touched my homework! it doesn't really matter!
nothing is getting to me right now!
which is a nice change, if you ask me!

To recognize...

...is my favourite verb, first of all because you can recognize something without necessarily stating an opinion on it. which is very good for keeping the peace. which is insanely useful for myself, because otherwise i'll have no idea how to go about maintaining any level of neutrality when someone is aggravating me. second of all, because it is a handy verb when dealing with matters of personal growth. again, without really determining a position. it kind of identifies something so you can then decide how you feel about it.

examples given:

i. i recognize that i have a low tolerance for irritating people. but i'm okay with that because someone needs to verbally state the opinion of the general public.
ii. i recognize that sharing my opinion with other people does not make it less valid. i also recognize that i just greatly prefer living, for the most part, inside my head, because i tend to talk before i've fully thought out an idea.
iii. i put on a plaid shirt today to help me keep warm. i recognize that it kind of makes me look scruffy and dirty. i don't mind!

i am an awful blogger

i'm sorry! i just feel no compulsion to express any innermost thoughts in here! partially because there is very little mental turmoil going on, as per my summer regrasping of my life, partially because the mental turmoil that IS going on, i am not willing to post on here for the world to read! plus some of it is just totally incoherent anyway, and doesn't even make sense to me!
maybe i should just import my nex blog. at least it has random amusing quotes.
life seems to be just a jumble of actions right now. but actions without thought do not constitute a full life. and vice versa.

troo dat.

it's my little treasure box of happy feelings!

oh, morgan herbert. you are such a flopsy little child.
today was busy, and therefore today was good. now that i think about it, i really didn't have an outriht unpleasant moment all day. i understood everything in math, and i shared my fruit leathers with josh. i like having classes with josh, i'd forgotten how entertaining it is to spend time with that kid. not everyone is born with natural wit (or the ability to translate that wit into french.) for rizzle.
i went for a drive with adam during band. , i saw josh's dad run out of adam's house as soon as adam went in and waved just out of reflex... then realized he probably has no idea who i am. which is funny because i'd probably recognize him anywhere, i don't even know why. adam and i discussed the exponential ridiculousness of plastic girls as we get older.
chem... happened, and then i forgot about it because it was not worth remembering. (shockingly enough...
i have yet to figure out how i feel about the art field trip, because we were exposed to large amounts of modern art, which i am skeptical about, but attempted to understand. i'll probably go back sometime and absorb all of it. i know that art isn't just images, it's all symbolic, but it'll take a bit for me to figure out the symbolism of leaves hanging from strings with videos of water projected on each side. half of mesays it's clicheed and really dumb, but the other half is wishing so hard to be able to understand whatever life-altering meaning these people tried to convey with etched glass and charcoal sketches. they have masters in visual arts! they should know what they're doing!
the Teahouse was amazing, though. on all different levels. there was so much bigness in it i don't know how long it would take to even begin to grasp it.
i spent a really long time talking to saunders! i just really enjoy his company, it's so pleasant when he's not being self-deprecating for no reason at all! i like asking his opinion because it seems sometimes like no one else does!
someday i'll get around to recording actual thoughts in here, as opposed to strings of events.
someday i'll get aroiund to actually writing again, instead of just recording thoughts.

http://www.ucalgary.ca/~nickle/index.shtml

fifties zombie housewives

TODAY
was my LAST PERFORMANCE.
...
ZOMG, i don't really know what to say about it. it was, you know, a'ight... spruce meadows was generally better than last year, but to be honest, that's probably because i didn't spend all this weekend pining for andrew johnson like i did last year. pining can really ruin a weekend, shockingly enough.
but, you know, last performance... i paid a bit more attention to random little details, like the color of the sky and trees, the way they framed the line of hats with adam and seanna in the middle, the uniform of the person ahead of me, flags lined up, instruments lined up, the audience, people's voices... just stuff that i've been experiencing on a regular basis for a long time. it never really occurred to me that i'd never experience it again some day. kind of sad? i don't really know. i feel like i took things for granted. like the parking lot, which is the place where we picked up our uniform bags after korea and they were so damp they were steaming, and also the place where we sat by the stairs so mike could talk. and now i'll never do any of that random, important-at-the-moment stuff that we always did.
i'd really like to just pull myself out of this and pretend i never did any of it, but i don't half-ass things. and after you've been pouring yourself into something for that long, it's difficult to suddenly be cut off.
i'm internalizing. i'm internalizing.
i've finally figured out what to be for zombiewalk! i am SOSO STOKED!
... but i will be anti-stoked if anyone has band camp that day. GRR.

P.S.

singing 'oh-oh' on a friday night
hoping everything's gonna be alright

you write the bible, i'll read it off my eyelids

little bits of the past keep crawling into my head and dying. and then they just sit there and fester for prolonged amounts of time, until i believe them to still be true. don't you know there's no truth in history? it's been gone over so many times that the truth has disappeared under piles of thought
i think about people far too much. i talk about you far too much, don't worry, i've noticed. you probably haven't, though, because it woould be silly of me to talk about you in front of you. that would just be awkward.
inspired by a combination of abbey and arielle, i'm going to attempt to knit red mittens.
red.
mittens.
EVERYONE DESERVES A PAIR. but then, there are always alligator mittens. HOW WILL I DECIDE WHICH TO KNIT?!?
i found a piece of paper in my room that said "j'ai passe seize ans sans ecouter. les mots du monde sont tombees sur mes oreilles fermees." (except, you know, with accents.) it made me sad, because i don't remember what i wrote that for, except that it was for FLA last fall. and i was sad. i remember looking out the window to the tree in the courtyard and the leaves were turning orange in the sun, and wondering why i couldn't appreciate it.

thursday night is clubbing night

the ultimate punishment for quitting marching band: running into your ex-staff every time you go out in public.
but seriously.
i went to see the princess bride, and not only ran into chris ravolier, but the jewitt himself.
...
he was on a date, i think.
this year will be hilarious.

late night candy bars

they are also good for you.

today i had my first delicious, gleeful english 30 class with mr. harker. i missed his philosophical, stately rantings. that is what he does best.

he had the most interesting idea about goals that i have ever heard from a teacher. instead of madly encouraging us to define our future successes, he said he doesn't actually like the idea of goals. he prefers vague objectives, or general directions for our accomplishments. things to do, right. "if you spend too much time thinking about the future, you cease to exist in the present." at which point i had an interesting image of josh thinking about what he was going to eat for lunch tomorrow, and suddenly blinking out of existence. that's totally something that would happen to josh. actually i can see that being something that would happen to me. i just don't want to be one of those people who realizes in their mid-thirties that they don't know where all the time has gone. i want to know exactly what i have done with all my time, and i want to recognize endings and beginnings and savour moments and anniversaries so i can know exactly how much time has occurred between then and now, so i don't forget important things that happened. i want to reflect as much as possible in order to keep my memory fresh. i think it's one of those things where it's important to remember the past, in order not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

i think i learned that in social studies.

the point is, i'm like this little banker of time. i keep very close track of it. it had occurred to me that reliving the past on a regular basis is probably not that great for me, but i honestly believe it's better than the alternative of not recognizing exactly how i came to be however and whereever i am at any given time. i just like to know these things.

I need a Mars Bar
hey raid the spa
To help me through the day
I need a Mars Bar
I've had total fun
It helps me - makes me -
work rest and play!!!

...i never edit these before i post them. then i go back and correct any embarrassing typos later.

water is good for you.

really, it is.
time is a sneaky, sneaky thing. so now both halves of my marching band phase are over, which came right after my 9th grade, andreaamyverajosh phase, which means i am getting to be very far away from the person i see myself as. but, i'm doing something different, right? expanding my horizons etc. etc. i'm also failing to fully commit to BOC. and a little mike jewitt is in my head accusing me of being a failure and a slacker. let's not pretend that Stampede wasn't secretly my goal the past couple years. it's like this whole seperate universe i could've been part of, but then decided not to be. good thing? bad thing? i'm sure there are pros and cons. it's just difficult to walk away without a last glance.
goodbye, horrible emotional turmoil and general awkwardness mingled with random success.
now entering pre-university phase/mad panic phase.
i wish i had time to chill the fuck out.

i sometimes wonder why i do anything

i sometimes wonder how far it is to redemption.

"someone like you sees right through someone like me."

harry potter isn't over.

i'm serious, if guys started taking tips from snape, they'd make a surprising killing with the ladies. like, really-- not even all the mushy "all this time?" "always." stuff. just act all sarcastic and bitter like snape, and the subconscious connection will be made in every girl who's ever read the harry potter series. whichever guy figures this out first will be a total player.

today, i will go get interviewed at starbucks. my plan is to work at the one at brentwood where everyone from abe goes, and then give decaf to anyone i don't like. i will be master of the caffeine. it will be epic.

today, i am a magical gypsy-hippy. except i own things and wear a bra.