king of cups

today was sweet, like, making a list of stuff i did sweet. and normally i hate that because it's not real writing, it's regurgitating events. but i don't care, i'm going to projectile vomit into my blog about what i did today. it was just so relaxing and chill but completely what i needed. i had tons of time to seriously consider how i'm feeling about the whole no-band thing, and how post party went and really recognizing how i want to approach everyone i'm not in band with anymore, because i'm seriously going to miss them SO MUCH. it seems really weird that i didn't notice this before. and i didn't cry, and that is because i'm not sad about making this transition and i'm still going to have ties with the band. i'm tired of trying to deny it's effect on me and it's importance to me. or maybe the awards ceremony is just getting to me... it somehow reminds me every year about really great stuff that goes on that i tend to take for granted.

i read the paper. i read the yearbook. i went to morgan's house and read tarot cards with her and kees. we had enlightening conversations filled with distributions of honesty. i articulated my desire for samples of unadulterated honesty. i articulated my worry about adam. i articulated certain things about morgan to morgan. i like being articulate. and i also like the word poignant.

i drew the king of cups TWICE and was generally disturbed by it's accuracy.

"The King of Cups represents an individual who has repressed his emotions and dreams to be able to succeed in a world that appreciates material achievements. This individual has conflicting emotions regarding intimate relationships. On one hand there is a desire for closeness and commitment; on the other hand there is a fear of being contained and limited by these emotions. Confrontation is necessary to face fears and accept the growth that comes with emotional challenges.
We see the King of Cups as an ingenious man, a light on his head representing his burning ambition and drive. He stares off into space completely detached from anything but his feelings. According to scientists bumblebees are too big to fly on their light wings and yet they do; so in that manner the bees flying through the air represent dreaming the impossible dream. A house stands behind him representing his worldly accomplishments.
As a card of actions it might question motives and actions, ask that you face your fears of emotional commitment and re-examine your relationships from another perspective."

i went longboarding. i bought sunflowers. i called the globe and have a tentative awesome, awesome job. i feel pretty. i feel like i own my own uncertainty. i don't feel like justifying anything i feel ever again. i just feel really human for a change, like the way i react to things actually makes sense for once.