fifties zombie housewives

TODAY
was my LAST PERFORMANCE.
...
ZOMG, i don't really know what to say about it. it was, you know, a'ight... spruce meadows was generally better than last year, but to be honest, that's probably because i didn't spend all this weekend pining for andrew johnson like i did last year. pining can really ruin a weekend, shockingly enough.
but, you know, last performance... i paid a bit more attention to random little details, like the color of the sky and trees, the way they framed the line of hats with adam and seanna in the middle, the uniform of the person ahead of me, flags lined up, instruments lined up, the audience, people's voices... just stuff that i've been experiencing on a regular basis for a long time. it never really occurred to me that i'd never experience it again some day. kind of sad? i don't really know. i feel like i took things for granted. like the parking lot, which is the place where we picked up our uniform bags after korea and they were so damp they were steaming, and also the place where we sat by the stairs so mike could talk. and now i'll never do any of that random, important-at-the-moment stuff that we always did.
i'd really like to just pull myself out of this and pretend i never did any of it, but i don't half-ass things. and after you've been pouring yourself into something for that long, it's difficult to suddenly be cut off.
i'm internalizing. i'm internalizing.
i've finally figured out what to be for zombiewalk! i am SOSO STOKED!
... but i will be anti-stoked if anyone has band camp that day. GRR.