mika

i don't actually like mika. in fact, i really dislike mika. he's really piercing and poppy and irritating. but so CATCHY. i also insist on liking him because he now reminds me of elena. and elena completes a little bit of my heart. someday, when we are aged, we'll have lunch dates and exchange stories about our children. or something. that seems really really obscenely far away.... more like, on friday, we will hand out the yearbooks we spent like, 70 hours on and then sign them bitterly. or i will. i am so close to being done. it's been building up so long that i'm really not sure how i'm going to justify my existence after i don't have anything to fling myself senselessly into after this friday. how, precisely, does one go about saying goodbye to a roomful of acquiantances? there's only about a handful of people i really consider friends, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to miss these random people with whom i've been toiling these past couple years.

yesterday morning i woke up with the precise feeling inside me of how it feels to be left hanging. i could describe it with a million cliches, but really what it is is that this time last year that was how i felt every single day, so i kind of got used to it. but having it come back to haunt me was completely unnecessary. i almost just didn't get out of bed. it was this weird combination of emptiness and bitterness and humiliation and really pathetic hope. 'it feels as if i'm wasted, wasted everyday.' i never want to have to recall that particular feeling ever again.

having your heart broken is like learning to carry around a pile of bricks. it's awful at first, but then you get used to it and get stronger so it's almost like it's not there. and then something happens to remind you about the bricks you've been carrying around, and you panic and drop one on your foot.

that was a bad analogy. but it's still better than the ones erik sartison uses.

sometimes i feel so big. sometimes i feel so small. people are not bibles- you can't spend your whole life referring back to how they say you should live.