merry christmas

it is obvious to me that we are no longer a young family. there's a little more bitterness and a little more real life involved, whereas it used to be just us, at any given time.

things happen so suddenly. i have an unrealistic perception of the passage of time. i can't even begin to imagine another twenty years, and look what happened in two. life is one long string of moving on.

you broke up with us. things like that don't tend to happen. i'm not even really upset, more disappointed and angry that you think so little of us after years of being part of our family.

cause and effect. three years ago, we all had christmas together, and it was going to be that way for as long as i could imagine. now he is dead and you are gone, and all i can keep thinking is 'but i always thought that they would be at my wedding' which is not something i'd imagine myself thinking. and from there it just keeps going into 'i thought they would see me graduate... i'll never travel with them... they will never meet my children.'

aaaand now i'm crying, haha. this is weird, i can't remember ever getting this upset about this. these were important people. to be a bit clicheed, i suppose after you've lived awhile, seventeen years is just a phase, but that is my entire life to date. so.