i like to be a part of people's lives

i want to send postcards to everyone i know! morganmorgan morgan, it will be like my truth project. i should do that. i always want to be able to articulate things. i don't like it when people say that it's part of life, having to restrict certain thoughts and having good judgement and not necessarily telling people everything for their own good, and your own. i can't help but think that that's the fear talking.
i like successful people. emotionally successful, socially successful, professionally, philosophically, artistically, etc. etc. apathy makes me angry.
THE LAST TRAIN TO FREO WAS AN INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE FILM.
'he loved me, and he needed me. like you do now. like you all do.'
there's just so much fucking POTENTIAL. that's all. that's all. i wish i could see it in everyone as opposed to a select few people.
...this is incoherent. if i wanted to write coherently, i'd use a pen.

(ps- you're acting dumb, that's what i've come to expect.)

fever

'Although doctors are aware of the beneficial effects of certain symptoms, such as coughing induced by pneumonia, many symptoms are regarded as harmful and are routinely treated - sometimes to the detriment of the patient. Fever is the best example. Long suspected as having adaptive value, fever has only recently been revealed as a beneficial response to infection. The response is triggered by bacterial toxins, and the resulting increase in body temperature is hostile to the invading microorganisms. Reduce the fever - using aspirin, for instance - and the disease may last longer, as Timothy Doran of Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, has recently demonstrated in the case of chickenpox. '

you should never worry. even under all the angry, it's still mostly love.
i'm just fucking dumb like that.

Clarity

'i want your clarity to be my clarity.'
today Truth is an art form for me.
i want to read studies and interpretations of truth. i want to expose truth in all it's forms. i want to establish that a truth does not come out of nowhere, it used to be a lie or a secret or an opinion or a theory. i want it to be clear that truth is more apparent when contrasted with things that are not necessarily true. i want to extract the black and white from the million grays.
i'm sorry i rambled on so much in your yearbook. you're probably kind of freaked out. i just had alot in my head, and it happened to be written out on paper directed at you. i recognize that you aren't really the poetic type.

oh, threadless

this reminds me of carson
and his pro haiku/limerick-writing skillz
too bad he can't really do much else...

Sunday

I'VE BLOGGED THREE TIMES TODAY
and none of it is coherent or relevant and all of it is this string of hormonal bullshit that is not real writing.
i haven't done any homework. i'm worried i may do dumb things if properly tempted. i can't focus on anything, and i should go to bed.
...it would be cool if people actually replied to entries so i had some vague idea of who the hell even reads this.
http://www.marketplacephotography.com/children_fine_art_photography.htm

POOR CHOICES.

i cannot justify anything right now. i don't want to have to.
i am hormonal and frustrated and caught off guard and my nerves are shot.
there is not a good reason for this.

what!

i don't understand!
i want to talk to you, but i have nothing to say to you!

king of cups

today was sweet, like, making a list of stuff i did sweet. and normally i hate that because it's not real writing, it's regurgitating events. but i don't care, i'm going to projectile vomit into my blog about what i did today. it was just so relaxing and chill but completely what i needed. i had tons of time to seriously consider how i'm feeling about the whole no-band thing, and how post party went and really recognizing how i want to approach everyone i'm not in band with anymore, because i'm seriously going to miss them SO MUCH. it seems really weird that i didn't notice this before. and i didn't cry, and that is because i'm not sad about making this transition and i'm still going to have ties with the band. i'm tired of trying to deny it's effect on me and it's importance to me. or maybe the awards ceremony is just getting to me... it somehow reminds me every year about really great stuff that goes on that i tend to take for granted.

i read the paper. i read the yearbook. i went to morgan's house and read tarot cards with her and kees. we had enlightening conversations filled with distributions of honesty. i articulated my desire for samples of unadulterated honesty. i articulated my worry about adam. i articulated certain things about morgan to morgan. i like being articulate. and i also like the word poignant.

i drew the king of cups TWICE and was generally disturbed by it's accuracy.

"The King of Cups represents an individual who has repressed his emotions and dreams to be able to succeed in a world that appreciates material achievements. This individual has conflicting emotions regarding intimate relationships. On one hand there is a desire for closeness and commitment; on the other hand there is a fear of being contained and limited by these emotions. Confrontation is necessary to face fears and accept the growth that comes with emotional challenges.
We see the King of Cups as an ingenious man, a light on his head representing his burning ambition and drive. He stares off into space completely detached from anything but his feelings. According to scientists bumblebees are too big to fly on their light wings and yet they do; so in that manner the bees flying through the air represent dreaming the impossible dream. A house stands behind him representing his worldly accomplishments.
As a card of actions it might question motives and actions, ask that you face your fears of emotional commitment and re-examine your relationships from another perspective."

i went longboarding. i bought sunflowers. i called the globe and have a tentative awesome, awesome job. i feel pretty. i feel like i own my own uncertainty. i don't feel like justifying anything i feel ever again. i just feel really human for a change, like the way i react to things actually makes sense for once.

this is the day your life will surely change

this is the day when things fall into place.

i'm not worried anymore, because i know that when i worry about my effect on other people i worry about my own motives. i want to be responsible for every time i make someone unhappy- of course i want to be responsible for every time i make someone happy, as well, but mostly i want to know inside me the various reasons i do or do not do things, and the consequences that they have. and when i misjudge i want to feel guilty so that i never make that mistake again.

success is like a handsome coat that transforms you.

right now i'm not really sure what my motives are.

romanticize-- it makes things easier.

TODAY
i actually spent time with jason. it was... different, though not necessarily unpleasant. i'm just hoping he's got the impression that i'm no longer easily angered by him, and that he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
but to be fair, the fear was initially totally justified.
i like being busy. i like not having to justify my hermit-like tendancies, it's just that i'm always busy. i like late afternoon sunshine on yellow leaves with sodt blue-grey clouds and lightning in the distance.
i really dislike living cliches. I feel like i spend a great part of my time trying to avoid being a cliche. and i think i probably miss out on alot because of that.
i don't like letting people read my notebook. it feels very unsafe. i don't like feeling uncomfortable around you every day... or is it that i feel too comfortable?
this summer:
"I am never a better person than i am with my unknowing extended family. My potential with them is honestly undefined. I could be an astronaut. I could win a Nobel prize. I could be Ghandi. I could be the first female fucking president of the USA. Though I think they'd be satisfied with me graduating from University."

sensagoria

you know what's a poor choice?
having to devote specific times to personal growth because most of the time I'M JUST TOO BUSY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

i feel like i miss so many things. i like you, but i don't want you. i want you, but i don't need you. need you, but i don't like you.

i discovered this today.

http://asthmatickitty.com/main.php

mika

i don't actually like mika. in fact, i really dislike mika. he's really piercing and poppy and irritating. but so CATCHY. i also insist on liking him because he now reminds me of elena. and elena completes a little bit of my heart. someday, when we are aged, we'll have lunch dates and exchange stories about our children. or something. that seems really really obscenely far away.... more like, on friday, we will hand out the yearbooks we spent like, 70 hours on and then sign them bitterly. or i will. i am so close to being done. it's been building up so long that i'm really not sure how i'm going to justify my existence after i don't have anything to fling myself senselessly into after this friday. how, precisely, does one go about saying goodbye to a roomful of acquiantances? there's only about a handful of people i really consider friends, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to miss these random people with whom i've been toiling these past couple years.

yesterday morning i woke up with the precise feeling inside me of how it feels to be left hanging. i could describe it with a million cliches, but really what it is is that this time last year that was how i felt every single day, so i kind of got used to it. but having it come back to haunt me was completely unnecessary. i almost just didn't get out of bed. it was this weird combination of emptiness and bitterness and humiliation and really pathetic hope. 'it feels as if i'm wasted, wasted everyday.' i never want to have to recall that particular feeling ever again.

having your heart broken is like learning to carry around a pile of bricks. it's awful at first, but then you get used to it and get stronger so it's almost like it's not there. and then something happens to remind you about the bricks you've been carrying around, and you panic and drop one on your foot.

that was a bad analogy. but it's still better than the ones erik sartison uses.

sometimes i feel so big. sometimes i feel so small. people are not bibles- you can't spend your whole life referring back to how they say you should live.

SURPRISE

OH MY GOD
i just spent 10 hours at elena's house doing yearbook, which was in all ways very very awful and i don't think it could have been in any way more enjoyable. except for talking to elena's mom who is SOSO nice and who fed me and made me wear slippers and drink tea :).
anyways- the point:
i got home from my ten hours of yearbook and i haven't eaten dinner though it's 8:30 and jessie tells me billy's mad that i took his longboard, and i'm going into my kitchen to get some food and my mom tells me i have to meet someone.
this someone is named clement. he is jamie's friend's homestay in grade 11 at Queen E. he knows Rocky's friend Alex who is also a homestay going to Queen E. he is German. he is INCREDIBLEY ATTRACTIVE. and right now, he is sitting on my couch watching school of rock.
MY DAY JUST GOT 10 BILLION TIMES BETTER!!!
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM!!!
IT'S THE IDEA OF IT THAT IS JUST SO AWESOME
and kind of comical
but still... just... wow. you can't make this stuff up.

team awesome!

i went to art and started to grasp watercolours!
i went to english and started something i actually like!
i read through my summer journal and found a bunch of stuff that i really like!
i understood math!
i listened to the jesus and mary chain!
i talked to arielle!
i spent time with morgan!
i made a kick-ass pamphlet!
i made cookies!
i'm going to garfunkel!
i have not even touched my homework! it doesn't really matter!
nothing is getting to me right now!
which is a nice change, if you ask me!

To recognize...

...is my favourite verb, first of all because you can recognize something without necessarily stating an opinion on it. which is very good for keeping the peace. which is insanely useful for myself, because otherwise i'll have no idea how to go about maintaining any level of neutrality when someone is aggravating me. second of all, because it is a handy verb when dealing with matters of personal growth. again, without really determining a position. it kind of identifies something so you can then decide how you feel about it.

examples given:

i. i recognize that i have a low tolerance for irritating people. but i'm okay with that because someone needs to verbally state the opinion of the general public.
ii. i recognize that sharing my opinion with other people does not make it less valid. i also recognize that i just greatly prefer living, for the most part, inside my head, because i tend to talk before i've fully thought out an idea.
iii. i put on a plaid shirt today to help me keep warm. i recognize that it kind of makes me look scruffy and dirty. i don't mind!

i am an awful blogger

i'm sorry! i just feel no compulsion to express any innermost thoughts in here! partially because there is very little mental turmoil going on, as per my summer regrasping of my life, partially because the mental turmoil that IS going on, i am not willing to post on here for the world to read! plus some of it is just totally incoherent anyway, and doesn't even make sense to me!
maybe i should just import my nex blog. at least it has random amusing quotes.
life seems to be just a jumble of actions right now. but actions without thought do not constitute a full life. and vice versa.

troo dat.

it's my little treasure box of happy feelings!

oh, morgan herbert. you are such a flopsy little child.
today was busy, and therefore today was good. now that i think about it, i really didn't have an outriht unpleasant moment all day. i understood everything in math, and i shared my fruit leathers with josh. i like having classes with josh, i'd forgotten how entertaining it is to spend time with that kid. not everyone is born with natural wit (or the ability to translate that wit into french.) for rizzle.
i went for a drive with adam during band. , i saw josh's dad run out of adam's house as soon as adam went in and waved just out of reflex... then realized he probably has no idea who i am. which is funny because i'd probably recognize him anywhere, i don't even know why. adam and i discussed the exponential ridiculousness of plastic girls as we get older.
chem... happened, and then i forgot about it because it was not worth remembering. (shockingly enough...
i have yet to figure out how i feel about the art field trip, because we were exposed to large amounts of modern art, which i am skeptical about, but attempted to understand. i'll probably go back sometime and absorb all of it. i know that art isn't just images, it's all symbolic, but it'll take a bit for me to figure out the symbolism of leaves hanging from strings with videos of water projected on each side. half of mesays it's clicheed and really dumb, but the other half is wishing so hard to be able to understand whatever life-altering meaning these people tried to convey with etched glass and charcoal sketches. they have masters in visual arts! they should know what they're doing!
the Teahouse was amazing, though. on all different levels. there was so much bigness in it i don't know how long it would take to even begin to grasp it.
i spent a really long time talking to saunders! i just really enjoy his company, it's so pleasant when he's not being self-deprecating for no reason at all! i like asking his opinion because it seems sometimes like no one else does!
someday i'll get around to recording actual thoughts in here, as opposed to strings of events.
someday i'll get aroiund to actually writing again, instead of just recording thoughts.

http://www.ucalgary.ca/~nickle/index.shtml