this time of year has never sat well with me

i'm not doing well. i'm nourishing my insecurity until it grows into misery, and if i feed it enough i'm sure it will eventually grow into something much worse than that.
day-to-day is surprisingly difficult for me to handle.

this is technically monday.

i'm not holding together very well. i think i just see through everything that's put in front of me. and i think people can tell, and that makes me difficult to be around.

oh, my love. who am i supposed to be?

there are so many strange brands of selfishness. even the claims for concern for others with it's sweet, selfless worry is just floating overtop of a twisted concern for self. who has the right to care more? but what about my concern, it is more than yours. there's a certain possessiveness involved when dealing with worry for other people. you feel as if, in reflection of the rest of your relationship with that person, you have obtained some sort of right of ownership for them and their personal problems. you are the one who should be informed and should support them. in reality it's your own problems and insecurities you want to have supported. it has surprisingly little to do with this other person, and everything to do with your personal perceptions and struggles. you want to have a role. you want to feel important, imperative. you do not want to be negligible. come here, you say- let me comfort you, so that i in turn may feel comforted.

you would speak at a funeral and think little of the deceased; the words of your eulogy would speak of them, but their impression would be that of your own importance: I knew this person more. I loved them more. I hurt more. We were necessary to one another. People would look at you on the stage and feel as if they barely knew their dead friend. Truly, you were the one who were closest to a completely fulfilled relationship with them- you knew them almost entirely. And knowing that people feel like this would comfort you, and you'd feel as if your grief were being soothed.

What is grief really, than our own weakness? The relationship no longer exists with your dead friend. There can be no competition for their affection since they can no longer distribute it. You mourn for the fact that in life, you did not realize how important this competition was to you.