everything is more manageable when sorted into small boxes

this time of year has never sat well with me

2009-01-01T20:49:00.000-08:00

i'm not doing well. i'm nourishing my insecurity until it grows into misery, and if i feed it enough i'm sure it will eventually grow into something much worse than that.
day-to-day is surprisingly difficult for me to handle.

this is technically monday.

2008-12-28T23:32:00.000-08:00

i'm not holding together very well. i think i just see through everything that's put in front of me. and i think people can tell, and that makes me difficult to be around.

oh, my love. who am i supposed to be?

2008-12-25T20:47:00.000-08:00

there are so many strange brands of selfishness. even the claims for concern for others with it's sweet, selfless worry is just floating overtop of a twisted concern for self. who has the right to care more? but what about my concern, it is more than yours. there's a certain possessiveness involved when dealing with worry for other people. you feel as if, in reflection of the rest of your relationship with that person, you have obtained some sort of right of ownership for them and their personal problems. you are the one who should be informed and should support them. in reality it's your own problems and insecurities you want to have supported. it has surprisingly little to do with this other person, and everything to do with your personal perceptions and struggles. you want to have a role. you want to feel important, imperative. you do not want to be negligible. come here, you say- let me comfort you, so that i in turn may feel comforted.

you would speak at a funeral and think little of the deceased; the words of your eulogy would speak of them, but their impression would be that of your own importance: I knew this person more. I loved them more. I hurt more. We were necessary to one another. People would look at you on the stage and feel as if they barely knew their dead friend. Truly, you were the one who were closest to a completely fulfilled relationship with them- you knew them almost entirely. And knowing that people feel like this would comfort you, and you'd feel as if your grief were being soothed.

What is grief really, than our own weakness? The relationship no longer exists with your dead friend. There can be no competition for their affection since they can no longer distribute it. You mourn for the fact that in life, you did not realize how important this competition was to you.

life is a short story

2008-12-14T15:36:00.000-08:00

someday this will all make sense.

night

2008-06-07T01:30:00.001-07:00

i'm writing my novel portfolio, and it's impossible. i'm alternating between writing for half an hour and sobbing for five minutes. i'm just spewing all my emotions onto a paper that's supposed to be partially analytical. i write like a girl... it's like anne sexton-
"a woman who writes feels to much... a man who writes knows too much."

the sweetest song

2008-06-04T22:44:00.000-07:00

people like other people for all the wrong reasons.

oh. shit.

2008-05-13T10:50:00.000-07:00

i have just been smacked in the face with life.

theme songs

2008-05-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

better than me
are you
kinder than me
are you
sweeter smarter faster
you you you
prettier than me
stronger than me
lonelier than me
I want to get to know you
better and better

circles

2008-05-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

here is the deal:
some days i am not full of lust or hormones. some days i am, but not all days. some days i'm mostly full of paper, and the implications of sexton and plath, and the blue and orange of evening, and the warm grays of both spring and autumn, and smells like juniper, and sunsets, and seeds that look like caterpillars. i want to fold 1000 paper cranes. i have been meaning to do that since i was about 11, but i never really got around to it. all this could possibly have the same effect as lust, (i think it's possible) but we don't really have the same mindsets when it comes down to it.
i'm frustrated. i want to tell you about beautiful things but i'm afraid you'll think i'm naive. or that it will all just bounce of you like stones in shallow water.

plastic bags + trees

2008-04-27T23:24:00.001-07:00

when i'm in a good mood, i automatically want to be with you.
i really didn't accomplish much today, unfortunately. i feel like i have a million plans, yet i'm not doing anything. can i just have some time off life?

april:

2008-04-22T15:21:00.000-07:00

i miss abbey bennett like i miss tarot cards! we are meant to be!
i'm pretty psyched because i'm going to write ridiculous amounts this month, and use my spare for art, and i've booked darkroom time, and go to the zoo, and learn bass. it has been a little too easy to ignore myself, but there is going to be some serious reclaiming being done. that will help more than anything.
i don't know if anyone else has noticed, but the grass is green under the snow.

i'm not catholic

2008-04-15T01:58:00.000-07:00

i want to grow tomatoes
and raise bees.
praise be to the tomato growers
and the god
from whose hand
bees dripped.

it's late and i'm typing and i'm cold. NOT AMUSED.

the smallest things

2008-04-14T11:36:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's just my inner feminist, but I don't think society can ever be fully aware of the concept of female sacrifice. There are so many little things given up for other people that are never mentioned. You could drain a person like that.

Anne Sexton

2008-04-10T22:57:00.001-07:00

I don't care! 'Sylvia's Death' is just amazing!

Witness

2008-04-10T19:20:00.000-07:00

So, obviously I'm in denial. Why else would I be blogging at 8:30 when I haven't even started my essay and I still have two pages of a response to write? And on the note of denial: NO. no. M.I.A. canNOT be on the same night as our grad. This is not possible. I need to have a time-turner, like Hermione, and then I could do BOTH. Abbey! What are you going to do?!
The snow today was lovely, I thought. I thought I should've had a snowball fight... or made a snowman, or kissed you when it was still snowing. You know, stuff like that. Instead I tried to do English and walked back and forth from my house because I kept forgetting things. Then I walked through a veritible curtain of snow, and I couldn't see the end of Morley Trail from the school and every tree I walked under seemed to dump some snow on me. I had a moment of loving UNCONDITIONALLY and Without Judgement, but mostly without Restraint, which is surprisingly difficult, for anyone, I think. There's always fear, right?
Then when I got to school I saw you and I was really awkward because I didn't really know how to express it; how incredible this all is. And you.
French class was rad. J'aime manger les biscuits is still stuck in my head.
That has been my day so far. It did not suck.

2008-04-06T23:41:00.000-07:00

MY HANDS ARE FILLED WITH NEWSPAPERS AND REALITY
TV SHOWS
REMEMBER ALL THOSE HUNGRY BEDFRAMES
EATING UP OUR INSECURITIES
WHERE WE LEARNED ABANDONMENT

(today i saw a postcard that said 'when you stopped loving me, i stopped painting.' i'm always afraid that it's the opposite of this postcard... i don't know why. does this even actually happen to people? why would you hinge something so important on one person?)

why bother

2008-04-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

"i season myself with uncertainty
and watch my pot of regret bubble over...
my hands are filled with newspapers
and reality tv shows

am i doing it right?"

tuesday night/wednesday morning

2008-03-26T01:04:00.000-07:00

i can't sleep. i don't even have cats for company.

ADDITION:
i'm feeling so absurdly neutral these past few days. zero strong emotions. i mostly miss the good ones, right. but you know; if you said jump...

mary

2008-03-25T13:21:00.000-07:00

patron saint of girls who don't know how to take care of themselves.

7 heures du matin

2008-03-17T21:49:00.001-07:00

i swear this is the last one.

C'est bon

2008-03-17T21:40:00.001-07:00

MAREVA GALANTER/ Pourquoi Pas Moi

2008-03-17T21:37:00.001-07:00

On roule à 160

2008-03-17T21:34:00.001-07:00

i think this is probably the best as of yet.

Laisse tomber les filles

2008-03-17T21:31:00.003-07:00

Bang Bang

2008-03-17T21:31:00.001-07:00

i. fucking. LOVE. Mareva Galanter.

every day

2008-03-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I just want to be able to do stuff like this. But then I think, is that enough? What is enough?
Today has not been so good so far. It will improve, though.
When I grow up, I will have a house packed with wood furniture that my Dad built. All of us will, because there will be so much that a single one of us couldn't fit it all in our house. And all the furniture that he built for this house in the garage will move all over the country and be scattered into little corners of the world, eventually.
I think I'm a little over-emotional right now.

i miss i miss i miss, precious heart

2008-03-12T22:24:00.000-07:00

abbey, i want that to make you feel a little bit better. i am so sorry things are just crap for you right now. here's sincere wishes that it is only temporary crap.
today i was thinking that i take everything much too seriously. like i don't really have the right to say i like something unless i'm completely informed and passionate about it, or that i understand something unless i have spent time carefully studying it. but most people don't do that, so i don't know if that makes me a tryhard or what. but then i think, why should i lower my standards of basic existence because of the way other people behave? then i kind of stop thinking about it because it's a bit stressful.
i'm supposed to be doing a timeline on Stalin, but i might make cookies instead. Today at DPS, Morgan said the best thing ever, because I did the same thing, I just didn't notice: In Social right now (we're studying dictators), it's really hard to focus to take notes because really she's just rating all the different dictators on their attractiveness. Dictators have sex appeal! I'm not sure why, I think it must be their charisma. Arielle used to say she wanted Trotsky to be her cat. He was Stalin's competitor for the control of Russia after Lenin died. (I apologize if I'm spelling all the dictators wrong, I'm not sure if their different in French or not). Anyways, I can't remember if Trotsky was the one who was exiled and was involved with Frieda, the South American painter. At least I think she was South American. And I think it was her. And Trotsky.

2008-03-09T13:37:00.001-07:00

i don't even know when vera gets back. but she needs to be back really, really soon.
also, i need to go to Nellie's really badly.
and i want to be outside
and i have to clean the computer desk
and i have work to do
and my father is having work friends for dinner tonight.
lovely. just lovely.
what a waste of a sunday.

Wednesday

2008-03-05T19:06:00.000-08:00

today was fricken' awesome.
we didn't have rehearsal after school because Mr. Paddock was sick, and so Adam and I took the train down to Kensington. Waiting for the train he ran into Tanis and I ran into Esmerelda, who was riding a bike in a skirt to her job interview at Trends. She was really nervous so she was kind of out of it, and she kept licking her hands because they were muddy and she didn't want to make a bad impression. It made me smile.
But yes, I made Adam take the train like a commoner. I finally finished my Starbucks cards so I don't have to go there anymore every time I want coffee. We walked everywhere. I'm sure it was very novel for him. Then we found a nice spot by the river where the ice had melted through right by the edge and we could see the water running. It wasn't very warm, but it seemed very spring-ish. And it was something different. March is not December or January or February and so it shouldn't feel like any of those months. It should have it's own tone, and now it does. I'm really just very happy with it all.
We ran into Abbey and Megan on our way back to the train, which was funny (as I told them) because I said to Adam when we got down there that we were bound to run into Abbey. Something something seeing Mandy, rush hour train riding, ridiculous light conversation. Adam: It's so funny when you get all awkward because you don't know what to say to the people that are there.
I went with my mother to Jimmy's, and Jimmy was even there! We bought delicious cherry juice. Right now only my mother, my father and I are home, and we talked a little about Pat, which shouldn't make me happy but I think it was more the fact that they were comfortable having that talk with me there. They just as well could've waited until I went to do something else.
I'm fucking going to Portugal. I'm going to see Hedwig with Arielle.
Downers: Yeah, I really need a new job. Yearbook deadline in less than a MONTH. I need to finish an art project from last semester. I hope I don't have any homework tonight...
and that is all I have to say about that.

giant shock into reality

2008-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

please disregard every dumb, heartless thing i've ever said.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/blue+rodeo/five+days+in+may_10042082.html
i hated this song until this afternoon when i heard it in the car on the way to Emily's play. (which was awesome, by the way. the troll costumes changed my life. plus, Emily is just such an awesome growler!)
i miss Vera. I think when she comes back, I will make her dinner from the vegan cookbook i got out of the library.

let's learn!

2008-02-29T15:32:00.000-08:00

OUCH.

2008-02-25T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to stop thinking and just busy myself to no end. Consequentially, I got alot done today without even having to take a nap. My mother is deathly ill so I bought groceries, and at the same time applied for a new job and returned movies. I switched shifts at work so I can go to GWT, and booked a doctor's appointment. I fed the hungry masses of my home. I called Morgan.
Now I'm going to do social homework so my mind doesn't start to dwell on things like next year or this summer or grad or the election or my weird dreams or other things that really just aren't my fucking business. And I'm not freaking out. I'm getting very good at not following my gut instincts, because they are usually working against me. I don't even have a reason to be feeling uptight, so take that, gut instinct. I'm not even talking to you.
But, I'm seeing less of everyone this week. I'm pining for my independance. I seem to have misplaced it since September.

if i were deaf, and you were dumb, imagine what we could become.

2008-02-21T19:46:00.000-08:00

just call me any time you can't sleep. I can come find you, too.
1. Dropping chem
2. Finding a new job
3. Mailing my transcripts
4. Cleaning my room?
5. Generally getting my shit toGETHER. if only it were so easy to say no, or to get it without having to spend time on it. I'm just so fucking independant.
and I would like to take this opportunity to insist that I'm not actually self-actualized. It takes me such a long time to realize or understand things that I do.
OH!
6. Becoming a competent bassist.

retrospect

2008-02-11T21:07:00.000-08:00

"...dawn dust neon constant, constant, constant so yes, maybe some days I wake up witha no vacancy sign around my neck and those days, it looks like love is just a name I've written on a bad check and I leave you alone like money...
...so my friend, comrade, lover in arms, swear spit make a toast clink pelvis on it, because if you are willing we will take our moments as they flicker under this immortal fickle filament you see how it is, on again off again on again off again, but we know this: even if we go our ways, our 24 hour hearts are lit."
-barbara adler

what IS it?!

2008-02-09T01:37:00.000-08:00

"there is too much food and no one left over
to eat up all the weird abundance"

fake blood

2008-02-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

i wrote this months ago. morgan likes it. i have faith in morgan. i need. to write. more. often.

Last night:
I was curling my hair for the first time
You phoned to tell me about
witnessing
An accident on Crowchild-
“I saw them use
the Jaws of Life
to pull this man out
he was probably dead!”

I was shaving my legs,
and then i went out:
I was wearing other people's clothes
I listened to other people's music
I took pictures,
and started drinking
"It was like there was no front of the car
it was so totaled
It was just the back end
of a car."

Now my friend's Dad is dying:
he was always so healthy
They think it's genetic.
I was reading poetry
"now I'm waiting again
and the years run thin...
I hope death contains
less than this."

I was focusing a little too hard:
"I wish I could understand poetry,"
says you
"me too,"
says I, and
"I am so sorry about your father,"
and
"are you alright, though?"
"yes, yes, they're sweeping up the glass now,"
says you,

and so am I:
I was smoking for the first time
on bleachers where I grew up
where I once played hide and seek
where I once raced
and filmed movies for fun.
we talked in the car in the alley
where I once walked to the bus stop
at the end
Now there are pools of orange light there
"with you, and then him
it was hard, it was like
missing a leg."
says you.

I ignored it:
Alex believes in shadow people
and in ghosts
like I do,
but you don't.
"I’m fine, that was
exactly
what I needed"
says I.

Now I’m sweeping up the glass:
when I wake up
it's noon
on Sunday
my hair is uncurled
I’m wearing my own clothes
the alley and the bleachers are full of snow
(and so am I.)
cars are speeding down Crowchild-
I took a picture
to show you later
What a good job they did of
sweeping
up.

actual dreams

2008-01-20T18:13:00.000-08:00

"My art project has come to life! She is an old gypsy, practically extinct. She’s sitting on the rickety porch of her teetery little home. Looking up, she notices that even though it’s late, the moon hasn’t risen. She’ll just have to put one up there herself. She starts cutting a moon out of her red doormat. It’s tough to cut, and the circle is a bit jagged and uneven. She doesn’t notice that the moon has already risen, red, right above her home. The red begins to bleed out of it and onto the stairs of her porch. There is a little river of blood flowing from the top of her stairs down onto the path. The path stones are all slick and the circle of red fabric she had cut is now a bowl full of red."
So I was telling Esmerelda about this, and she says that red moons are symbols of death. I think this might be the first time I've dreamt about anything that could even count as a symbol... it's usually just really vague, like 'I was running around an apartment and we were hiding from people who were chasing us'. There's this one dream I remember really well, about this two men chasing me and Jessie and one was long and thin and the other was short and fat. Then I realized that I'm pretty sure that's just a dream of Jessie's that she told me about it. It's strange that it was assimilated into my memory.
There was this one recurring dream I used to have when I was younger, that this stocky sort of monster woman with snakey sort of hair captured my family in a cage. I think the cage was in Jessie's room, but at the time it was Jamie's room, and the cage was where his crib was. Yes, it was that long ago. Anyways, the only way I could free them was by drinking this potion, and she wouldn't tell me what it did. So I drank it, and I was standing in my hallway and there were mirrors in the rooms at either end, like one in the door of my parent's room and one in the door of Jessie's. And depending which direction I was facing, my teeth either looked normal or they were all filed sharp, like the monster's, and I couldn't tell which reflection showed the truth.
Now I'm just rambling. This is over.
NO- I just read possibly the greatest quote ever. It's a blog- dinosaur casserole. "1 Cup Stuff, Eight Cups Nonsense, and a lot of small, confused plastic dinosaurs." ahahahah. yes.

sha-sha

2008-01-20T01:07:00.000-08:00

sha-doo.
i'm kind of sad because upon reflecting on my blogging, i realise i've become fairly self-conscious in my writing. i used to just be able to lay everything out, but now that i know people actually read this... lol. let's not be delusional here, who keeps a blog if they don't want anyone to read it?
but here is the point: i am tapping in to my september self, all dark and light from summer. bee, remember our random latenight meetings? i wore cutoffs and blue sneakers and guy's tshirts and i'd longboard over to your house in the orange and gray night. there was not even the trace of a chill. i never thought i'd be able to survive another winter here (though days like today make it worth it, despite the cold cold cold.)
i'm looking for that focus and that knowledge of priorities and of my SELF. i had no one to answer to. i wore my hair short.
i may possibly be in alot of shit with some people. but i've decided that i'm
a) taking responsibility for my actions
b) not letting other people berate me for them. i mean fuck, i know what i'm doing with myself, thanks. everyone makes poor choices. just some people are willing to admit that it wasn't entirely by accident.
actually, i just have so many things to sort out.... criiiinnnggge. i'd much rather be spending quality time with people. and i have plans to do exactly that! haha. i have a math exam. monday. after this i will never have to write another math test for my whole life... well, maybe lol.

2008-01-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

life is too real for a blog.
i am so, so glad for meeting with abbey tonight. i can't imagine who else i'd be able to talk about this with. to be perfectly honest, i wasn't even planning on discussing it. i was planning on carrying it around like my own personal load of blistering bricks.
my logical mind insists that i don't expect you to come and find me anymore. you insist otherwise.
this is ca- razy!
i'm subconciously compiling lists of songs that stir up bits of truth and of stories and movies with characters like me or like us, and i'm using it as justification. this is the way things are. that is how we are. that is what i don't want to be. this is what i've done. that is what i don't want to be. perhaps eventually i'll even write it down, or make a cd and have something for the sudden unexpected bursts of unhappy.

9 hours

2008-01-15T13:49:00.000-08:00

someone should write a short story about not having any real thoughts at all.
"what are you thinking?"
"nothing."
"come on, what?"
no, seriously. nothing.
this story should also involve not being able to stay awake while reading a story, waking up in a chair to a cat staring at you, having appeared at your feet. it should also involve several new ways of interacting with people, because i like to have references for the way i do things, otherwise i cannot justify them. also sandwiches. my house is empty and i am freezing to death.
i had a dream while i was trying to read that i was standing on the side of the road. I must've been doing something I shouldn't have been doing, because cars were driving by and i was waiting for a reaction from one of them. then an older man with all very white hair and plaid drove by and threw a piece of garbage at me. and i woke up.
there were so many things i didn't vocalize yesterday-
how can i avoid you when there are so many pennies?
my own perception is slipping out of my control. i am myself and you are very specifically you. but now things are starting to blur and i feel like we're very slowly changing skins, to two different people who didn't know each other before November. which is no good. when i woke up today i took a moment to remember the specific feeling of the way we were, which was good. i need to be thinking in big picture, here. things are so easily reduced to spurts of a few days, or even just a few hours with you.
do i like waking up with anybody or specifically with you? no, wrong question. we, each other.
eugh. it shouldn't be this mindlessly impossible to maintain a certain level of clarity in the various aspects of life.

sunday nights

2008-01-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

so it's about 12.15 right now, and I'm supposed to be working on art but I seriously, seriously needed a sandwich. the pork I'm using is supposed to be for tomorrow's lunch, but I think there'll be enough. the point is, it's super late, I'm supposed to be making art, no one is up and I'm dancing around my kitchen cringing because even though I cannot STAND to cut white onions, we have no red onions and I can't eat a sandwich without them! unless it's like, peanut butter or banana or something... my finger hurts from the onion because i have a papercut. I'm wearing a hoodie and boxers and tube socks. i don't like going out. i like staying in; I feel as though I could be someone's short story. ode to a seventeen year old girl romanticizes the age of seventeen...
park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me
maybe i missed something about seventeen, but to be honest i think i learned my lesson at sixteen. i just do not have the time! but now i am eighteen, so i have to figure out what the romanticized view of my current age is. otherwise how will i know what to live up to? hahaha.
i. adore. cat. stevens.
'i listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul
where i'll end up, well i think only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun
and i've never wanted water once
no never never never never never...'
to be honest, i didn't think you noticed. at all. and so now i am prompted to write. this PostSecret book was so full of things i could've said to other people, so much more than the others! i wanted to cut them out and frame them and give them as gifts. i wanted to tell you how disheartening it was waking up without you!
i always worry that someday arielle will get on a bus and go away. but then she says things that remind me how tied we are to each other. it's one of those things where there just is no replacement.

no!

2008-01-10T22:58:00.000-08:00

sooo, i never blog. unfortunate? NO. i'm not good at making my life sound pretty. i don't have a encompassing opinion on the way everything in my life is going at any given time. mostly i just try not to completely blow everything... like tomorrow, i just hope i get about 60 on the replacement math test so i can replace my 44. ouch. i will not let art school be an excuse for lowering my academic standards! i miss hannah, she kept me in line. her excessive crazy translated into a slightly more diluted crazy in myself. and also, i just miss hannah. i'm never really around at school. she has a boy. it's unfortunate.
i'm tired. i'm worried about abbey. and hayley. and the way i relate to my mother. and about math. courses courses courses. i just want to be taking something else, already!
today i had an overwhelming desire for tempura. so i called my mom when i got home, and i was all: "JAPANESE FOOD?!" and she was all "dinner plans." so i ended up eating miniature meatballs, 3/4 f a grapefruit, 1/4 of one of those frozen pizzas we got from band (SO GROSS) and half a thing of french fries. the remaining fractions of my food were consumed by Jamie.
today Billy said the best thing EVER: "face lick, nipple pinch, BOOB PUNCH."
exact words. i would not joke.

saturday afternoons

2007-12-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

you are such an enormously safe place!
i am so quiet and satiated and warm, i'd rather be asleep on your bed.
though that was definitely not possible.
i promise i will not judge you on based on your family,
even though i am always tense about them
even though i never have to actually talk to them.
and not that i care; but for you, i hope they win, alright?

poorly formatted poetry! charles bukowski!

2007-12-23T00:10:00.000-08:00

Alone With Everybody

the flesh covers the bone and they put a mind in there and sometimes a soul, and the women break vases against the walls and the men drink too much and nobody finds the one but keep looking crawling in and out of beds. flesh covers the bone and the flesh searches for more than flesh. there's no chance at all:
we are all trapped
by a singular fate.
nobody ever finds the one.

the city dumps fill
the junkyards fill
the madhouses fill
the hospitals fill
the graveyards fill

nothing else
fills.

merry christmas

2007-12-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

it is obvious to me that we are no longer a young family. there's a little more bitterness and a little more real life involved, whereas it used to be just us, at any given time.

things happen so suddenly. i have an unrealistic perception of the passage of time. i can't even begin to imagine another twenty years, and look what happened in two. life is one long string of moving on.

you broke up with us. things like that don't tend to happen. i'm not even really upset, more disappointed and angry that you think so little of us after years of being part of our family.

cause and effect. three years ago, we all had christmas together, and it was going to be that way for as long as i could imagine. now he is dead and you are gone, and all i can keep thinking is 'but i always thought that they would be at my wedding' which is not something i'd imagine myself thinking. and from there it just keeps going into 'i thought they would see me graduate... i'll never travel with them... they will never meet my children.'

aaaand now i'm crying, haha. this is weird, i can't remember ever getting this upset about this. these were important people. to be a bit clicheed, i suppose after you've lived awhile, seventeen years is just a phase, but that is my entire life to date. so.

conversation

2007-12-08T00:56:00.000-08:00

if you actually pick up when i call you ridiculously early tomorrow morning, this is probably what i'll say to you:
'are you awake?
...you're not wearing pants, are you?'

i am full of snow

2007-12-04T23:50:00.000-08:00

i don't appreciate people enough...

Happy list for this week (no particular order):
JESSIE for being master of the west wing, aka martin sheen, and for her plate costume.
elliot... i mean, he'll always be on this list, but for now, socks in pants.
abbey for a perception-altering postcard
arielle for LOVE
adam, for changing my state of mind and for unfinished thoughts: "when i'm with you, i'm happy. in between..."
elena for always being fabulous
paul stickney for his fanclub and underground houses
esmeralda for an extra day of painting
chris for a bit of honesty and apologies and for one-word prompts
seanna for dinner
hannah for pending phone calls

goddamn

2007-12-03T17:06:00.000-08:00

blogspot wouldn't let me log on, and now i don't even
remember what i was going to write.

i still creep nex

2007-11-30T15:57:00.000-08:00

"I do not care what car you drive, where you live. If you know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone. If your clothes are this years cutting edge. If your trust fund is unlimited. If you are A-list, B-list or never heard of you list. I only care about the words that flutter from your mind. They are the only thing you truly own. The only thing I will remember you by. I will not fall in love with your bones & skin.I will not fall in love with the places you have been. I will not fall in love with anything but the words that flutter from your extraordinary mind.”
--Unknown

wallowing moment

2007-11-27T20:30:00.000-08:00

FOR E.J.P. (cohen)
I once believed a single line
in a Chinese poem could change
forever how blossoms fell
and that the moon itself climbed on
the grief of concise weeping men
to journey over cups of wine
I thought invasions were begun for crows
to pick at a skeleton
dynasties sown and spent
to serve the language of a fine lament
I thought governors ended their lives
as sweetly drunken monks
telling time by rain and candles
instructed by an insect's pilgrimage
across the page - all this
so one might send an exile's perfect letter
to an ancient hometown friend

I chose a lonely country
broke from love
scorned the eternity of war
I polished my tongue against the pumice moon
floated my soul in cherry wine
a perfumed barge for Lords of Memory
to languish on to drink to whisper out
their store of strength
as if beyond the mist along the shore
their girls their power still obeyed
like clocks wound for a thousand years
I waited until my tongue was sore

Brown petals wind like fire around my poems
I aimed them at the stars but
like rainbows they were bent
before they sawed the world in half
Who can trace the canyoned paths
cattle have carved out of time
wandering from meadowlands to feasts
Layer after layer of autumn leaves
are swept away
Something forgets us perfectly

(i personally hope every day that highschool is not just a string of girls i do not really know and boys i do not really love)

the wrong kind

2007-11-27T12:40:00.001-08:00

i'm laughing because of the touch of melodrama that accompanies everything we do together and say to each other, and because of how i'm willing to just laugh it off.

nothing makes you appreciate warm people more than cold weather

2007-11-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

today, i walked outside the school and everything about outside whispered bits of you! the sky was foggy with invisible snow and my own breath, and blended into the sky, along with the houses and hills and streets. the trees all seemed very starkly black. it wasn't exactly beautiful, but it was very realistic and so it made me stop for a moment. i'm not sure if this reminded me of you because there was so much of you there, or because there was none of you at all.

sweeeepiiinnngggg

2007-11-23T23:03:00.000-08:00

WHO AM I KIDDING:
two princes is just about the greatest song ever written. at least... right now it is. (subliminalmessagegodownloaditnowsubliminalmessage
you just don't get songs like you did in the 90's anymore. whatever happened to that song with the girl in the bumblebee suit?

all of tomorrow is shaping up to be AWESOME. every little bit from 9.30 a.m. to who knows when. that's how i like my days- ridiculously extended. every day. like this one, right now.
even work should be fun, since it's only 2 hours. there won't even be time to be bored!
(noted delcaration of love for morgan here)

i'll go anyway

2007-11-22T16:22:00.000-08:00

they won't refund the ticket!
how i remember you:
'how will you remember me?
digging ditches out of boredom?
said you would never leave
now you're never going to be here again.'
things are... going well?

fuck that

2007-11-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

i am an introspect!
that's okay!
sorry i'm not friendly and happy with strangers like my sister, it's just not me!

hmm

2007-11-17T17:01:00.001-08:00

i feel really gross right now. but at least i clean up nicely.

it's a monday that's a sunday

2007-11-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

i visit my blog every day and post only once a week, and that's the way i like it.
i feel very tentative. i don't so much know what i'm doing as i am aware of the effects of my actions. so you just don't worry about it; i'm not worried at all. just very tentative and a bit apprehensive, you know?
people lie so much. how are you supposed to make an informed decision when people are constantly trying to protect you with untruths?

to write

2007-11-04T19:52:00.000-08:00

i'm sweeping up the glass, now:
when i wake up
it's noon
on sunday
my hair is uncurled
i'm wearing my own clothes
the alley and the bleachers are full of snow.
cars are speeding down Crowchild-
I took a picture
to show you later
what a good job they did of
sweeping
up.

instant gratification

2007-10-31T22:18:00.000-07:00

naive but uptight.

'Tom Verlaine was a very bright boy, very learned, but there was some tightness within him. He was just so tightly wound. He was always concerned about men coming on to him. I mean, he was pretty, but I think he didn't really know what life was all about. He hadjust accrued experience from books- it was all read, and not lived. He was very naive in a lot of ways. As opposed to Richard Hell, who had both feet in the ooze.
Hell was definitely the one thinking in subversive terms. Hell was the one who always had the most awareness of what the text was trying to denote. Hell was a boulevard surrealist, groping for the breakthrough, the one grasping for liberation.'

florence

2007-10-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

i want so much to write! i feel like i'm floating around in bits of imagery and verse with no way of communicating what they mean. i'm swimming around in other people's poetry and more or less failing at writing it myself.
i would so much like to make art. i can't believe i have to wait almost an entire year before i can stop thinking about things like math and chemistry and just start existing in clouds of imagery and symbolism and interpretation and new mediums. i suppose there are always pre-college programs... in italy?
you: i feel like dirt. no, actually, you feel like dirt. your profundity is dirt and talking with you is EXACTLY like throwing stones into a shallow pool. for once, i actually said precisely what i wanted to say. it's like throwing stones and expecting the satisfaction of them sinking, but instead only getting noise and superficial splashes of water. don't give yourself so much credit.

jane vain and sunday nights

2007-10-22T13:46:00.000-07:00

'everything that i say to you
will be forgotten by tomorrow
so why do i try to lend you ideas
that you aren't even able to borrow?'

my name is potato - RITA PAVONE -

2007-10-21T19:02:00.001-07:00

counting down

2007-10-16T22:56:00.000-07:00

my journal says--

i like feeling safe in unsafe places, like in a car with you.

are those your breadcrumbs scattered along my path?

let's be wanderers

2007-10-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

remember me next time i go away
for the first time in my life i wanna stay
i can count one hand here today
the only things that matter to me anyway
and it seems so far away
seems so far away

remember me now
'cause things always change
5 long years have gone
i've done some time
sleeping where i fall
i know i'll never be the same

les racines et les branches de ma coeur

2007-10-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

i wasn't expecting that when i translated it, and it was just so beautiful.

true love

2007-10-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

unfortunately, i have wasted all my really good lines on real people, instead of saving them for my blog.
and i like it.
i like hugging people when you're both dressed in multiple layers, because there's more for you to get lost in. i like how the night sky has three dimensions when you get out of the city. i saw four shooting stars.
i always want to know who the important people are. i'm glad i know how to laugh at myself. i always want to know how to laugh at myself. i'm glad i know who the important people are.

"the tricks of today are the truths of tomorrow."

what's important

2007-10-08T15:51:00.000-07:00

yes, this was a shitty shit weekend of shit. i didn't even have hope to run on. i don't really like blogs, it's awkward and i feel like i'm supposed to live in a way that will make for coherent and linear writing.
that really didn't last very long.

'she is so explosive,
volcanoes watch her and learn-
terrorists strap her to their chests because she is a cause worth dying for.'

really? score! we are so pleased!!!

2007-10-04T20:30:00.001-07:00

no

2007-09-30T13:31:00.000-07:00

i like to be a part of people's lives

2007-09-30T12:53:00.001-07:00

i want to send postcards to everyone i know! morganmorgan morgan, it will be like my truth project. i should do that. i always want to be able to articulate things. i don't like it when people say that it's part of life, having to restrict certain thoughts and having good judgement and not necessarily telling people everything for their own good, and your own. i can't help but think that that's the fear talking.
i like successful people. emotionally successful, socially successful, professionally, philosophically, artistically, etc. etc. apathy makes me angry.
THE LAST TRAIN TO FREO WAS AN INCREDIBLE, INCREDIBLE FILM.
'he loved me, and he needed me. like you do now. like you all do.'
there's just so much fucking POTENTIAL. that's all. that's all. i wish i could see it in everyone as opposed to a select few people.
...this is incoherent. if i wanted to write coherently, i'd use a pen.

(ps- you're acting dumb, that's what i've come to expect.)

fever

2007-09-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

'Although doctors are aware of the beneficial effects of certain symptoms, such as coughing induced by pneumonia, many symptoms are regarded as harmful and are routinely treated - sometimes to the detriment of the patient. Fever is the best example. Long suspected as having adaptive value, fever has only recently been revealed as a beneficial response to infection. The response is triggered by bacterial toxins, and the resulting increase in body temperature is hostile to the invading microorganisms. Reduce the fever - using aspirin, for instance - and the disease may last longer, as Timothy Doran of Johns Hopkins University, Baltimore, has recently demonstrated in the case of chickenpox. '

2007-09-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

you should never worry. even under all the angry, it's still mostly love.
i'm just fucking dumb like that.

Clarity

2007-09-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

'i want your clarity to be my clarity.'
today Truth is an art form for me.
i want to read studies and interpretations of truth. i want to expose truth in all it's forms. i want to establish that a truth does not come out of nowhere, it used to be a lie or a secret or an opinion or a theory. i want it to be clear that truth is more apparent when contrasted with things that are not necessarily true. i want to extract the black and white from the million grays.
i'm sorry i rambled on so much in your yearbook. you're probably kind of freaked out. i just had alot in my head, and it happened to be written out on paper directed at you. i recognize that you aren't really the poetic type.

oh, threadless

2007-09-24T15:17:00.001-07:00

this reminds me of carson
and his pro haiku/limerick-writing skillz
too bad he can't really do much else...

Sunday

2007-09-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

I'VE BLOGGED THREE TIMES TODAY
and none of it is coherent or relevant and all of it is this string of hormonal bullshit that is not real writing.
i haven't done any homework. i'm worried i may do dumb things if properly tempted. i can't focus on anything, and i should go to bed.
...it would be cool if people actually replied to entries so i had some vague idea of who the hell even reads this.
http://www.marketplacephotography.com/children_fine_art_photography.htm

POOR CHOICES.

2007-09-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

i cannot justify anything right now. i don't want to have to.
i am hormonal and frustrated and caught off guard and my nerves are shot.
there is not a good reason for this.

what!

2007-09-23T14:30:00.000-07:00

i don't understand!
i want to talk to you, but i have nothing to say to you!

king of cups

2007-09-22T23:08:00.000-07:00

today was sweet, like, making a list of stuff i did sweet. and normally i hate that because it's not real writing, it's regurgitating events. but i don't care, i'm going to projectile vomit into my blog about what i did today. it was just so relaxing and chill but completely what i needed. i had tons of time to seriously consider how i'm feeling about the whole no-band thing, and how post party went and really recognizing how i want to approach everyone i'm not in band with anymore, because i'm seriously going to miss them SO MUCH. it seems really weird that i didn't notice this before. and i didn't cry, and that is because i'm not sad about making this transition and i'm still going to have ties with the band. i'm tired of trying to deny it's effect on me and it's importance to me. or maybe the awards ceremony is just getting to me... it somehow reminds me every year about really great stuff that goes on that i tend to take for granted.

i read the paper. i read the yearbook. i went to morgan's house and read tarot cards with her and kees. we had enlightening conversations filled with distributions of honesty. i articulated my desire for samples of unadulterated honesty. i articulated my worry about adam. i articulated certain things about morgan to morgan. i like being articulate. and i also like the word poignant.

i drew the king of cups TWICE and was generally disturbed by it's accuracy.

"The King of Cups represents an individual who has repressed his emotions and dreams to be able to succeed in a world that appreciates material achievements. This individual has conflicting emotions regarding intimate relationships. On one hand there is a desire for closeness and commitment; on the other hand there is a fear of being contained and limited by these emotions. Confrontation is necessary to face fears and accept the growth that comes with emotional challenges.
We see the King of Cups as an ingenious man, a light on his head representing his burning ambition and drive. He stares off into space completely detached from anything but his feelings. According to scientists bumblebees are too big to fly on their light wings and yet they do; so in that manner the bees flying through the air represent dreaming the impossible dream. A house stands behind him representing his worldly accomplishments.
As a card of actions it might question motives and actions, ask that you face your fears of emotional commitment and re-examine your relationships from another perspective."

i went longboarding. i bought sunflowers. i called the globe and have a tentative awesome, awesome job. i feel pretty. i feel like i own my own uncertainty. i don't feel like justifying anything i feel ever again. i just feel really human for a change, like the way i react to things actually makes sense for once.

this is the day your life will surely change

2007-09-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

this is the day when things fall into place.

i'm not worried anymore, because i know that when i worry about my effect on other people i worry about my own motives. i want to be responsible for every time i make someone unhappy- of course i want to be responsible for every time i make someone happy, as well, but mostly i want to know inside me the various reasons i do or do not do things, and the consequences that they have. and when i misjudge i want to feel guilty so that i never make that mistake again.

success is like a handsome coat that transforms you.

right now i'm not really sure what my motives are.

romanticize-- it makes things easier.

2007-09-20T17:39:00.000-07:00

TODAY
i actually spent time with jason. it was... different, though not necessarily unpleasant. i'm just hoping he's got the impression that i'm no longer easily angered by him, and that he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.
but to be fair, the fear was initially totally justified.
i like being busy. i like not having to justify my hermit-like tendancies, it's just that i'm always busy. i like late afternoon sunshine on yellow leaves with sodt blue-grey clouds and lightning in the distance.
i really dislike living cliches. I feel like i spend a great part of my time trying to avoid being a cliche. and i think i probably miss out on alot because of that.
i don't like letting people read my notebook. it feels very unsafe. i don't like feeling uncomfortable around you every day... or is it that i feel too comfortable?
this summer:
"I am never a better person than i am with my unknowing extended family. My potential with them is honestly undefined. I could be an astronaut. I could win a Nobel prize. I could be Ghandi. I could be the first female fucking president of the USA. Though I think they'd be satisfied with me graduating from University."

sensagoria

2007-09-19T22:38:00.000-07:00

you know what's a poor choice?
having to devote specific times to personal growth because most of the time I'M JUST TOO BUSY TO THINK ABOUT IT.

i feel like i miss so many things. i like you, but i don't want you. i want you, but i don't need you. need you, but i don't like you.

i discovered this today.

http://asthmatickitty.com/main.php

mika

2007-09-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

i don't actually like mika. in fact, i really dislike mika. he's really piercing and poppy and irritating. but so CATCHY. i also insist on liking him because he now reminds me of elena. and elena completes a little bit of my heart. someday, when we are aged, we'll have lunch dates and exchange stories about our children. or something. that seems really really obscenely far away.... more like, on friday, we will hand out the yearbooks we spent like, 70 hours on and then sign them bitterly. or i will. i am so close to being done. it's been building up so long that i'm really not sure how i'm going to justify my existence after i don't have anything to fling myself senselessly into after this friday. how, precisely, does one go about saying goodbye to a roomful of acquiantances? there's only about a handful of people i really consider friends, but that doesn't mean i'm not going to miss these random people with whom i've been toiling these past couple years.

yesterday morning i woke up with the precise feeling inside me of how it feels to be left hanging. i could describe it with a million cliches, but really what it is is that this time last year that was how i felt every single day, so i kind of got used to it. but having it come back to haunt me was completely unnecessary. i almost just didn't get out of bed. it was this weird combination of emptiness and bitterness and humiliation and really pathetic hope. 'it feels as if i'm wasted, wasted everyday.' i never want to have to recall that particular feeling ever again.

having your heart broken is like learning to carry around a pile of bricks. it's awful at first, but then you get used to it and get stronger so it's almost like it's not there. and then something happens to remind you about the bricks you've been carrying around, and you panic and drop one on your foot.

that was a bad analogy. but it's still better than the ones erik sartison uses.

sometimes i feel so big. sometimes i feel so small. people are not bibles- you can't spend your whole life referring back to how they say you should live.

SURPRISE

2007-09-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD
i just spent 10 hours at elena's house doing yearbook, which was in all ways very very awful and i don't think it could have been in any way more enjoyable. except for talking to elena's mom who is SOSO nice and who fed me and made me wear slippers and drink tea :).
anyways- the point:
i got home from my ten hours of yearbook and i haven't eaten dinner though it's 8:30 and jessie tells me billy's mad that i took his longboard, and i'm going into my kitchen to get some food and my mom tells me i have to meet someone.
this someone is named clement. he is jamie's friend's homestay in grade 11 at Queen E. he knows Rocky's friend Alex who is also a homestay going to Queen E. he is German. he is INCREDIBLEY ATTRACTIVE. and right now, he is sitting on my couch watching school of rock.
MY DAY JUST GOT 10 BILLION TIMES BETTER!!!
EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT TALKING TO HIM!!!
IT'S THE IDEA OF IT THAT IS JUST SO AWESOME
and kind of comical
but still... just... wow. you can't make this stuff up.

team awesome!

2007-09-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

i went to art and started to grasp watercolours!
i went to english and started something i actually like!
i read through my summer journal and found a bunch of stuff that i really like!
i understood math!
i listened to the jesus and mary chain!
i talked to arielle!
i spent time with morgan!
i made a kick-ass pamphlet!
i made cookies!
i'm going to garfunkel!
i have not even touched my homework! it doesn't really matter!
nothing is getting to me right now!
which is a nice change, if you ask me!

To recognize...

2007-09-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

...is my favourite verb, first of all because you can recognize something without necessarily stating an opinion on it. which is very good for keeping the peace. which is insanely useful for myself, because otherwise i'll have no idea how to go about maintaining any level of neutrality when someone is aggravating me. second of all, because it is a handy verb when dealing with matters of personal growth. again, without really determining a position. it kind of identifies something so you can then decide how you feel about it.

examples given:

i. i recognize that i have a low tolerance for irritating people. but i'm okay with that because someone needs to verbally state the opinion of the general public.
ii. i recognize that sharing my opinion with other people does not make it less valid. i also recognize that i just greatly prefer living, for the most part, inside my head, because i tend to talk before i've fully thought out an idea.
iii. i put on a plaid shirt today to help me keep warm. i recognize that it kind of makes me look scruffy and dirty. i don't mind!

i am an awful blogger

2007-09-11T22:52:00.001-07:00

i'm sorry! i just feel no compulsion to express any innermost thoughts in here! partially because there is very little mental turmoil going on, as per my summer regrasping of my life, partially because the mental turmoil that IS going on, i am not willing to post on here for the world to read! plus some of it is just totally incoherent anyway, and doesn't even make sense to me!
maybe i should just import my nex blog. at least it has random amusing quotes.
life seems to be just a jumble of actions right now. but actions without thought do not constitute a full life. and vice versa.

troo dat.

2007-09-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

it's my little treasure box of happy feelings!

2007-09-10T19:23:00.000-07:00

oh, morgan herbert. you are such a flopsy little child.
today was busy, and therefore today was good. now that i think about it, i really didn't have an outriht unpleasant moment all day. i understood everything in math, and i shared my fruit leathers with josh. i like having classes with josh, i'd forgotten how entertaining it is to spend time with that kid. not everyone is born with natural wit (or the ability to translate that wit into french.) for rizzle.
i went for a drive with adam during band. , i saw josh's dad run out of adam's house as soon as adam went in and waved just out of reflex... then realized he probably has no idea who i am. which is funny because i'd probably recognize him anywhere, i don't even know why. adam and i discussed the exponential ridiculousness of plastic girls as we get older.
chem... happened, and then i forgot about it because it was not worth remembering. (shockingly enough...
i have yet to figure out how i feel about the art field trip, because we were exposed to large amounts of modern art, which i am skeptical about, but attempted to understand. i'll probably go back sometime and absorb all of it. i know that art isn't just images, it's all symbolic, but it'll take a bit for me to figure out the symbolism of leaves hanging from strings with videos of water projected on each side. half of mesays it's clicheed and really dumb, but the other half is wishing so hard to be able to understand whatever life-altering meaning these people tried to convey with etched glass and charcoal sketches. they have masters in visual arts! they should know what they're doing!
the Teahouse was amazing, though. on all different levels. there was so much bigness in it i don't know how long it would take to even begin to grasp it.
i spent a really long time talking to saunders! i just really enjoy his company, it's so pleasant when he's not being self-deprecating for no reason at all! i like asking his opinion because it seems sometimes like no one else does!
someday i'll get around to recording actual thoughts in here, as opposed to strings of events.
someday i'll get aroiund to actually writing again, instead of just recording thoughts.

http://www.ucalgary.ca/~nickle/index.shtml

fifties zombie housewives

2007-09-09T21:37:00.000-07:00

TODAY
was my LAST PERFORMANCE.
...
ZOMG, i don't really know what to say about it. it was, you know, a'ight... spruce meadows was generally better than last year, but to be honest, that's probably because i didn't spend all this weekend pining for andrew johnson like i did last year. pining can really ruin a weekend, shockingly enough.
but, you know, last performance... i paid a bit more attention to random little details, like the color of the sky and trees, the way they framed the line of hats with adam and seanna in the middle, the uniform of the person ahead of me, flags lined up, instruments lined up, the audience, people's voices... just stuff that i've been experiencing on a regular basis for a long time. it never really occurred to me that i'd never experience it again some day. kind of sad? i don't really know. i feel like i took things for granted. like the parking lot, which is the place where we picked up our uniform bags after korea and they were so damp they were steaming, and also the place where we sat by the stairs so mike could talk. and now i'll never do any of that random, important-at-the-moment stuff that we always did.
i'd really like to just pull myself out of this and pretend i never did any of it, but i don't half-ass things. and after you've been pouring yourself into something for that long, it's difficult to suddenly be cut off.
i'm internalizing. i'm internalizing.
i've finally figured out what to be for zombiewalk! i am SOSO STOKED!
... but i will be anti-stoked if anyone has band camp that day. GRR.

P.S.

2007-09-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

singing 'oh-oh' on a friday night
hoping everything's gonna be alright

you write the bible, i'll read it off my eyelids

2007-09-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

little bits of the past keep crawling into my head and dying. and then they just sit there and fester for prolonged amounts of time, until i believe them to still be true. don't you know there's no truth in history? it's been gone over so many times that the truth has disappeared under piles of thought
i think about people far too much. i talk about you far too much, don't worry, i've noticed. you probably haven't, though, because it woould be silly of me to talk about you in front of you. that would just be awkward.
inspired by a combination of abbey and arielle, i'm going to attempt to knit red mittens.
red.
mittens.
EVERYONE DESERVES A PAIR. but then, there are always alligator mittens. HOW WILL I DECIDE WHICH TO KNIT?!?
i found a piece of paper in my room that said "j'ai passe seize ans sans ecouter. les mots du monde sont tombees sur mes oreilles fermees." (except, you know, with accents.) it made me sad, because i don't remember what i wrote that for, except that it was for FLA last fall. and i was sad. i remember looking out the window to the tree in the courtyard and the leaves were turning orange in the sun, and wondering why i couldn't appreciate it.

thursday night is clubbing night

2007-09-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

the ultimate punishment for quitting marching band: running into your ex-staff every time you go out in public.
but seriously.
i went to see the princess bride, and not only ran into chris ravolier, but the jewitt himself.
...
he was on a date, i think.
this year will be hilarious.

late night candy bars

2007-09-06T17:24:00.000-07:00

they are also good for you.

today i had my first delicious, gleeful english 30 class with mr. harker. i missed his philosophical, stately rantings. that is what he does best.

he had the most interesting idea about goals that i have ever heard from a teacher. instead of madly encouraging us to define our future successes, he said he doesn't actually like the idea of goals. he prefers vague objectives, or general directions for our accomplishments. things to do, right. "if you spend too much time thinking about the future, you cease to exist in the present." at which point i had an interesting image of josh thinking about what he was going to eat for lunch tomorrow, and suddenly blinking out of existence. that's totally something that would happen to josh. actually i can see that being something that would happen to me. i just don't want to be one of those people who realizes in their mid-thirties that they don't know where all the time has gone. i want to know exactly what i have done with all my time, and i want to recognize endings and beginnings and savour moments and anniversaries so i can know exactly how much time has occurred between then and now, so i don't forget important things that happened. i want to reflect as much as possible in order to keep my memory fresh. i think it's one of those things where it's important to remember the past, in order not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

i think i learned that in social studies.

the point is, i'm like this little banker of time. i keep very close track of it. it had occurred to me that reliving the past on a regular basis is probably not that great for me, but i honestly believe it's better than the alternative of not recognizing exactly how i came to be however and whereever i am at any given time. i just like to know these things.

I need a Mars Bar
hey raid the spa
To help me through the day
I need a Mars Bar
I've had total fun
It helps me - makes me -
work rest and play!!!

...i never edit these before i post them. then i go back and correct any embarrassing typos later.

water is good for you.

2007-09-05T22:19:00.000-07:00

really, it is.
time is a sneaky, sneaky thing. so now both halves of my marching band phase are over, which came right after my 9th grade, andreaamyverajosh phase, which means i am getting to be very far away from the person i see myself as. but, i'm doing something different, right? expanding my horizons etc. etc. i'm also failing to fully commit to BOC. and a little mike jewitt is in my head accusing me of being a failure and a slacker. let's not pretend that Stampede wasn't secretly my goal the past couple years. it's like this whole seperate universe i could've been part of, but then decided not to be. good thing? bad thing? i'm sure there are pros and cons. it's just difficult to walk away without a last glance.
goodbye, horrible emotional turmoil and general awkwardness mingled with random success.
now entering pre-university phase/mad panic phase.
i wish i had time to chill the fuck out.

i sometimes wonder why i do anything

2007-09-04T16:35:00.001-07:00

i sometimes wonder how far it is to redemption.

"someone like you sees right through someone like me."

harry potter isn't over.

2007-09-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

i'm serious, if guys started taking tips from snape, they'd make a surprising killing with the ladies. like, really-- not even all the mushy "all this time?" "always." stuff. just act all sarcastic and bitter like snape, and the subconscious connection will be made in every girl who's ever read the harry potter series. whichever guy figures this out first will be a total player.

today, i will go get interviewed at starbucks. my plan is to work at the one at brentwood where everyone from abe goes, and then give decaf to anyone i don't like. i will be master of the caffeine. it will be epic.

today, i am a magical gypsy-hippy. except i own things and wear a bra.

"I've always wanted to do that" "Do what?" "Be someone's best friend."

2007-08-30T20:21:00.000-07:00

i watched 'things to do' today with my dad. it was weird, i was expecting it to be one of those things where the character is depressed by mediocrity and so goes and reclaims life by doing exceptional things, you know? but it was more like he was depressed by a tragedy so he went and found comfort in mediocrity. he went back to is hometown and lit firecrackers and built a model plane. he didn't fall in love, he decided on a career and he caught the bus.
he did give his 99 tennis balls her got off the roof of the school to some elementary school kids. that was pretty epic. i suppose he was finding the exceptional in the mediocre. i really need to work on that.
when i was standing at the kitchen sink worrying about arielle and our last year of high school, my mom walked in and said "oh, it's you." then she unwrapped this fucking ugly dollar store hanging spinny decoration thing that my sister got at a wedding shower we went to in Byron, Ontario (that's just outside of London, it's exotic). it's this weird fake copper flower with fake blue irridescent glass and a little copper spiral hanging off the bottom from a piece of string. so she unwrapped this thing and gave me the wrapper to throw out.
i don't like stuff from dollar stores, because they're always these no-name products made by some anonymous person in some anonymous factory in asia. and the thought just makes me feel worse, because really that's how everything we ever buy is made. it's ust more obvious with dollar store products because they don't have any brand names or tags or extra information other than some random codes that only mean something in factories and to shippers. that ugly twirly flower thing has no history, as far as i can tell.
i'm intensely PMSing right now. random stuff keeps making me cry.

le 30 aout

2007-08-30T00:30:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday, Abbey Bennett-- for you, i started a blog. i trust you enough to at least test the idea. if it doesn't work out, you can have it and... i don't know. our two blogs can spawn and have little blog children.
sixteen was like a movie or something.